Evan Glass was in a Pride Parade on Rockville Pike that got lost and was stranded in Urbana. Will Jawando fled to Wyoming because no MCPD officer had an extension cord long enough for a defunded motorized scooter to respond to his emergency calls. Kristin Mink was trapped in a never-ending drum circle with her anyone-but-a-Caucasian girlfriends. Jennifer Martin was sequestered in her home because of the pro-Hamas teacher encampment on her front lawn. Marc Elrich went off-grid because an EMP attack paralyzed his electric-powered home. With the county’s entire leadership absent, I stepped in to fill the vacuum.
The schools. Too many unnecessary teachers and support staff, not enough necessary teachers and support staff. The MCPS’s red-lining needs to be decolonized, as do reimbursements to MCPS employees for their home furnishings. I cut the school budget by 10%, and with the rest issued school vouchers for every student. $710 million saved.
The scandalous liquor cabinet in the bi-county Planning Commission’s headquarters was restored, because its members now have nothing more to do. They can no longer hold up housing projects to protect “historic” buildings like car dealerships built in the 1960s or insist on awnings with a lemon chiffon shade (hex code #FFFACD) over coffee shops. $280 million saved.
The Alcohol Beverage Services monopoly was abolished. Restaurateurs, caterers, and beer and wine stores can now buy from whomever they want and whatever they want at any price they want. $75 million saved.
Cable communications was terminated, because there has been preliminary evidence (albeit unsupported) that Montgomery Municipal Cable isn’t able to compete with TikTok’s Khabane Lame. $6 million saved.
The Montgomery County Green Bank was closed, because residents sophisticated enough to install green technology on their premises are sophisticated enough to figure out their own purchasing options. $19 million saved.
Trash removal and recycling were mothballed. Residents can select their preferred trash and recycling collection company, or, like me, drive their trash around town in their own car. $202 million saved.
Montgomery College’s budget was cut in half. If K–12 students can study remotely for a full year, then MC’s students can do the same for two years. As many of MC’s classes are overpriced (you can get many technical certifications at Coursera at a cost far less than MC tuition), there is no need for full-service brick-and-mortar community colleges. $167 million saved.
With the significant reduction in operational departments, the general government budget was cut in half. No need for all 231 Technology and Enterprise Business Solutions computer geeks. These employees, particularly the ones who excel, can get higher paying jobs in the private sector. The Office of Inspector General and Legislative Oversight are shuttered completely. $158 million saved.
I furloughed the entire County Executive staff, so my AI assistant sent a letter to Transurban, Fluor, and other conglomerates saying they can bid on all the half-baked Purple Line infrastructure if they can finish the project in two years. They can charge the fares they want, make the schedules they want, and otherwise knock themselves out. Any proceeds go toward paying down the county’s debt. While they’re at it, they can negotiate with landowners to build the Outer Loop as a toll road from 370 to the Dulles Airport. They can also negotiate with landowners to expand the northern segment of I-270 as a toll road.
On their next tax bills, residents saw an average reduction of $4,000 in property taxes reflecting the $1.6 billion in budget cuts. The students were happier, as were the teachers, business owners, employers, developers, commuters, and police officers. Residents gathered outside the county executive building cheering “¡Vive el presidente! ¡Vive el presidente!”
“No, no soy el presidente. Yo soy el concejal, el concejal, el concejal…”
“Michael! Michael!” shouted my partner. “Wake up! What are you dreaming about? And what does concejal mean?”
“I dreamt that I was the county executive, and that by letting people do what they want to do, they became happier and wanted to stay in Montgomery County. It seemed so easy, and so real. Was it really all a dream?”
