The whole pronoun thing has been causing a lot of friction among CleanSlate’s content creators. The bloggers use gender assigned at birth, the graphic artists are transitioning to alcoholics, and the investigators are cross dressing between dirty plaids and filthy solids. All these groups are spending more time during meetings correcting each other’s pronouns than uncovering the source of Will Jawando’s latest $250,000 deposit. The editor-in-chief has had enough of this unproductive protocol, and issued a new policy requiring the use of proper nouns in all written and oral communications. Here is how it went the first day.
“Hello?”
“Blogger, this is Editor-in-Chief!”
“What time is it?” asked Blogger.
“I’m calling you on a company phone while the sun is still above the horizon, that’s a good indication that the time right now is work time,” said Editor-in-Chief.
Blogger looked at his phone.
“It’s three in the afternoon!” exclaimed Blogger, fighting back a yawn and a throbbing headache. “Editor-in-Chief, you expect me to interrupt a hangover to do work?”
“Blogger, you’ve been promising me a series on the county’s liquor monopoly, the Alcohol Beverage Services. Well, what have you discovered?”
Blogger turned his head to see a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s on the night stand next to his bed.
“That I need to start drinking Jim Beam.”
“Blogger, if you don’t get me a scandal on ABS in three hours, you’re fired!”
Blogger heard the conversation disconnect. “Editor-in-Chief is right,” Blogger thought. “I need to put some pieces together to make a bombshell of a story.”
Blogger called Data Analyst.
“Hi, Bloggie” said Data Analyst in a suggestive tone.
“Data Analyst…” started Blogger.
“‘Data Analyst’ is for those boring meetings that we’re forced to be in. I’ve told you before, Bloggie, when we’re talking privately, call me ‘Spreadsheet.’”
“I don’t feel comfortable doing that,” said Blogger.
“You want my findings on the liquor monopoly?”
Blogger understood the hint. “When this assignment is over,” Blogger thought, “I’m going to file a workplace harassment complaint with Human Resources Manager.”
“Human Resources Manager also calls me ‘Spreadsheet,’” said Data Analyst, as if reading Blogger’s mind.
“Then I’ll file with the county’s Vice Chair and Associate Member of the Merit System Protection Board,” thought Blogger.
“Vice Chair also calls me ‘Spreadsheet,’” said Data Analyst.
Blogger realized he was negotiating out of weakness, so he went along with Data Analyst’s demands.
“What do you have, Spreadsheet?”
“That’s better, Bloggie,” acknowledged Data Analyst. “You remember Chair of the Montgomery County Planning Board?”
“The one with the liquor cabinet in the office and made over $200,000 a year for doing almost nothing? Of course I remember!”
“Well, Hacker and I were going through the receipts of the liquor monopoly, and we don’t see any transactions for the Planning Board.”
“So where did Chair get the booze?”
“That’s not the question, Bloggie. The real question is where is the booze now? It was confiscated by Vice Chair of Ethics Commission, and according to the five hundred Clean Slate whistleblowers working inside the county government, the booze is no longer on any county premises.”
“Thanks, Spreadsheet,” said Blogger. “I have a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s that I’m saving for you.”
Blogger called Fact Checker, and asked him to verify what Data Analyst said. One hour later, Fact Checker called back.
“Spreadsheet is right,” said Fact Checker.
“You also call Data Analyst ‘Spreadsheet’?” asked an astonished Blogger.
“Ummm, I mean,” stammered Fact Checker, “Data Analyst is right. The confiscated booze was indeed purloined. Not only that, but a review of the liquor board’s books shows that for the last five years Alcoholic Beverage Services has been buying $2 million of merchandise, but selling only $1 million.”
“So ABS is selling the bottles on the black market?” mused Blogger.
“It’s worse than that. Since the county converted all its vehicles to electric, the invoices from Pepco haven’t increased.”
“You mean that the county’s entire vehicle fleet is electric, but the county isn’t paying any more for electricity? Then what is fueling those electric cars?” asked an astonished Blogger. “I’m going to talk to Whistleblower #75. Thanks, Fact Checker.”
Blogger called Whistleblower #75. “What’s the connection between pilferage at the ABS and powering the county’s EV fleet?”
“I’ll send you a video from a burner phone,” replied Whistleblower in a hushed voice. “And tell Spreadsheet I’m looking for something more than a casual relationship.”
Blogger received the video a few minutes later. It showed an unmarked building on a sketchy portion of East Gude Drive. There was a line of ABS delivery trucks on one side, and a line of county EVs on the other side. Later, the video showed county employees opening bottles of liquor and pouring the contents into a hidden tank in the EVs. “Those aren’t electric vehicles,” thought an astonished Blogger. “Those are traditional internal combustion engines, and the county is using liquor as a fossil fuel!”
Two days later, Editor-in-Chief convened a celebratory meeting of all Clean Slate’s content creators. “Blogger, I take this opportunity to thank you for your dedication and courage for exposing a terrible scandal in the county government’s operations. Our readership is up, we’re expanding our news staff, and you’re being promoted to Senior Blogger II. On behalf of all the content creators, I give you this modest gift—a bottle of Jim Beam whiskey.”
“Thank you, Editor-in-Chief,” said Blogger, who was happy that he still had his job. “One question for you, if I may. Do you have any nicknames for Data Analyst?”
“Nicknames?” said Editor-in-Chief? “No. Should I?”
(Not one personal pronoun was used in creating this story.)
